Earlier this week I wrote an entire post about all the things that have happened to not just me but others in regards to bullying in the workplace. It was a couple of pages long, with instances that were completely unacceptable for anyone to have to go through. When I re-read the post I started to wonder, who am I trying to convince? I don’t need to justify myself to anyone. I don’t need to convince anyone. So I put the post down for a few days, I started reading, and have came to conclusion that the longer I dwell on this, the longer I’m going to suffer.

So I deleted the post and I’m writing a new one. The book I am currently reading has taught me a few things. Although I was bullied, I didn’t handle it in the best way. I have no idea how to handle a narcissist or a sociopath so I just reacted. After calling poor behaviour out, I stood my ground and didn’t budge. I outright stated what was unacceptable, but the person in question, being a narcissistic sociopath doesn’t believe that they could possibly have anything wrong with them. They won’t admit fault, they have zero empathy for the pain they cause others so for me to call them out for their poor behaviour was literally like talking to a brick wall.

What I should have done was to set better boundaries for behaviour I was willing to accept and what I wasn’t willing to accept. I didn’t realise I was being sucked in u til it was too late, it was impossible for me to set clean boundaries while in that setting. So, although I definitely wouldn’t change making the complaints, in hindsight I would go about it differently in the future.

I do believe if we see bullying or a victim of it we should speak up. However, maybe there is better way of going about it? After all, the bully is just as insecure as the rest of us and they too have probably been through something in their life. Although if you are dealing with a narcissist or a sociopath they probably won’t change, for that to happen they would need to admit they aren’t prefect. It’s not in their nature to do that. I do think setting boundaries for yourself at the start and being more aware of how to spot these types of people from the get go is the best way for you to protect yourself.

I’m a pretty trusting person, some would say clueless or naive. But I see this as a strength, not a weakness. It’s allowed me to form some beautiful relationships. The flip side is, sometimes I am easily sucked in, which is something I am currently working on. I’ve realised some of my own fears, weaknesses and flaws through this experience and I believe it’s something I needed to go through in order to grow. As painful and sometimes scary as the last 2 years have been, it’s shown me exactly who I want to be and what want my children to look up to.

There are times I feel myself getting angry again, and I’m sure there are many things that will trigger me over the few months, possibly years. At least now I’m aware of it. I can start to change my thought pattern. Try not to be angry, instead try to look for the lesson or signs that would have alerted me to impending doom.

Moving forward is hard for me, I’m certainly the type to hold a grudge and blame myself for what’s happened. I do need to learn not to stress and worry about things I ca not control. I am trying to only focus on the things I can control. How I react, how I let things make me feel.

Ps. This week all I’ve done is clean, draw and garden. And I enjoyed most of it!