Pregnancy is strange. It’s full of ups and downs, and lots of sideways. That sounds strange, so let me try to explain. I can feel my ups and downs, they are usually pretty clear. Sometimes however, I feel an emotion, or have a thought that I either can’t describe, or articulate that’s neither up nor down. I feel it, I’m neither sad or happy, sometimes it’s an interesting thought that leads me to think about certain things. It’s not a feeling of “Meh”, because I listen and care for the thought/feeling. It’s hard to explain, maybe there’s a name for it but I’m calling it sideways.
At the moment I’m feeling a bit sorry for myself physically. I’m consistently tired, borderline exhausted. My muscles ache and it’s really hard for me to do any amount of physical work with out being out of puff and feeling like I need a nap. I’ve had enough of being fat and not being able to see, let alone touch my toes. No amount of food, no matter how healthy or yummy keeps me satisfied for long. I want my body back, I want to be able sleep more than an hour and a half without being woken by the pain in my hips and having to roll over to ease that pain.
I know this sounds like I’m complaining over not much, and I am really. I’m just tired. My poor body needs a break. I feel well emotionally, mostly. I’m pretty happy with where we are at with preparations. I feel good with how much I’ve achieved while on maternity so far. I will never be 100% happy, as I always feel I could have done more. That’s me just being me.
I’m excited to meet the little one, also bricking it regarding the labour. I seem to be the only woman I know that has had complication free births…. All I’ve heard recently are horror stories and that fills me with dread. Birthing 101 – DO NOT LISTEN TO BIRTHING HORROR STORIES!!! Sometimes when I talk to some mums it feels that because I haven’t had a horror story birth, I’m not seen as a real woman. That’s a whole other topic though.
Do I want the baby out now – hell yes. I’d like to not have to pee every few hours. But little one can stay until he’s ready, I’m not a patient person, never has been a strength of mine. However little one will know when he’s ready, and he’ll make his appearance when it’s time. This pregnancy has been a blessing, at first it was in disguise. I’m relearning what I want, what kind of mum I want to be, what kind of career I want and how to create boundaries for the toxic people in my life for the first time ever.