38 weeks – c’mon little one.

Pregnancy is strange. It’s full of ups and downs, and lots of sideways. That sounds strange, so let me try to explain. I can feel my ups and downs, they are usually pretty clear. Sometimes however, I feel an emotion, or have a thought that I either can’t describe, or articulate that’s neither up nor down. I feel it, I’m neither sad or happy, sometimes it’s an interesting thought that leads me to think about certain things. It’s not a feeling of “Meh”, because I listen and care for the thought/feeling. It’s hard to explain, maybe there’s a name for it but I’m calling it sideways.

A little peach 🍑 from the Procreate course I’m doing.

At the moment I’m feeling a bit sorry for myself physically. I’m consistently tired, borderline exhausted. My muscles ache and it’s really hard for me to do any amount of physical work with out being out of puff and feeling like I need a nap. I’ve had enough of being fat and not being able to see, let alone touch my toes. No amount of food, no matter how healthy or yummy keeps me satisfied for long. I want my body back, I want to be able sleep more than an hour and a half without being woken by the pain in my hips and having to roll over to ease that pain.

I know this sounds like I’m complaining over not much, and I am really. I’m just tired. My poor body needs a break. I feel well emotionally, mostly. I’m pretty happy with where we are at with preparations. I feel good with how much I’ve achieved while on maternity so far. I will never be 100% happy, as I always feel I could have done more. That’s me just being me.

Birthday Brownies – they were delicious!

I’m excited to meet the little one, also bricking it regarding the labour. I seem to be the only woman I know that has had complication free births…. All I’ve heard recently are horror stories and that fills me with dread. Birthing 101 – DO NOT LISTEN TO BIRTHING HORROR STORIES!!! Sometimes when I talk to some mums it feels that because I haven’t had a horror story birth, I’m not seen as a real woman. That’s a whole other topic though.

Do I want the baby out now – hell yes. I’d like to not have to pee every few hours. But little one can stay until he’s ready, I’m not a patient person, never has been a strength of mine. However little one will know when he’s ready, and he’ll make his appearance when it’s time. This pregnancy has been a blessing, at first it was in disguise. I’m relearning what I want, what kind of mum I want to be, what kind of career I want and how to create boundaries for the toxic people in my life for the first time ever.

Toxic work culture and maternity leave

On my first day of maternity leave, I decided it would be an excellent idea to write down my thoughts regarding said maternity leave and the toxic work culture I am currently on leave from. I have been the only one to stand up to said manager, make complaints (that were not handled well, or not at all in my opinion as the same narcissistic behaviour is still going on), the replacement for my job is on a permanent contract so I have no idea what job I’ll be coming back too – however I felt it necessary for at least my own benefit to talk or write about it.

Day one – I’ve been clothes shopping, washed the dishes, done some craft, I’ll be doing some grocery shopping with the kids once they come out of school. I’ve completed almost nothing, except made myself a cute little key ring using the one the kids bought me for Mother’s Day that broke.

Who doesn’t love turtles?

Normally, I would have accomplished anywhere up to 100 tasks for managers at work by now. I’m feeling a little strange. I need to keep reminding myself that I’m allowed to take it easy now. I won’t be able to soon. Soon I’ll be a busy mum of 3.

I’ve had a rough 6 months, I’ve been struggling with some pretty serious anxiety caused by bullying at work. Bullying that even after 2 complaints never stopped. I’m having to start maternity leave early due to the issues that the anxiety has caused. Thankfully, my heart palpitations have subsided and I can eat again. This was only due to help from family, friends and a psychologist, who up until now, never thought I would need.

Cauliflower seedlings are in – sunshine and gardening.

I’m going to use my maternity leave to sleep and rest before the baby arrives. I’m going to make a whole pile of craft that I’ll never sell, paint a number of pictures that will never see the light of day. Most importantly I will be using this time to heal, and learn how to build more resistance and to deal with narcissistic bullies. Unfortunately the world is full of them. The more I learn how to tell the signs, the more shocked I am at how common it is.

Day five – I’m now at the end of my first week of maternity leave. I do feel I haven’t done enough, when I look at the incredibly long list of things to get through – all created by me of course. However, when I stop, pause and actually look at what I have achieved this week, the knowledge I’ve gained (I’ve been reading) and the time spent with my mum and aunt (which I wouldn’t have been able to do had I still been at work) it’s all been worth it.

I found the following quote/meme on the internet, I think it sums up why I’ve been feeling like rubbish and no amount of sleep or extra iron will fix. (Quote is anonymous, artwork is all mine).

“Sleep doesn’t help if it’s your soul that’s tired.”

I had a moment yesterday, while hanging the washing. I was happy. For the first time in a very long time, I was happy that I’m about to have another baby. I’m happy that I have some time to myself, and that I don’t have to go back to a job (manager – I want to make it very clear, the job was absolutely not the issue, just the culture and one manager in particular) that has caused me so much anxiety and upset is wonderful. Starting to see that this is not the end of the world, or end of my career, but just a new challenge for us as a family. One that I intend to make good use out of.

At the end of the day, I have a wonderful support network around me which I am incredibly grateful for. Here’s to the next 12 months of learning and to healing and rejuvenating my soul.

P.S I’m currently reading – Toxic People Survival Guide by Chase Hill. It’s quite insightful.

What my mornings have currently consisted of. Peace.