A little over 2 months after I repotted my Phalaenopsis Orchid, it’s blooming again. Remember it had flowers on a different stem and I thought the repotting it might effect the new buds? It was a risk as it really did need a new pot. There are so many flowers now. They look beautiful. To see how I managed to my orchid looking so amazing follow the link.
Well it seems that it was worth it! The original stem has finished blooming, so it’ll be cut off soon. I have 2 flowers open and a third on its way. The colour of the flowers is so bright and beautiful you just know he’s healthy! After re-positioning him in a better spot he’s looking fabulous. Just goes to show how easy they are to grow with a little knowledge under your belt.
My next step will be to figure out how to propagate them if at all possible. That will be interesting to research. I will also be learning more about my Oncidium Orchid, and how best to grow and get him to bloom again.
Holy moly! How hectic is life at the moment. I’ve found myself with a quiet moment and enough brain power to actually write at the same time! I didn’t forget how much time babies take up but it is still a bit of a shock. Especially with Dan being away for more than half of James life so far. Having 2 older kids has made things easier and harder.
I have managed to get some gardening done and been able to look after my indoor plants as well. I still have an incredibly long “to-do” list but I’m slowly ticking things off. My art has suffered a little. I did manage to get a little landscape completed. Sunshine Forest – digital drawing is at the bottom of the page.
James is now a month old, almost 6 weeks. He’s been a total blessing. All the rubbish I went through to get here was worth it. Even though we’ve had a few rough nights, a trip to the hospital and an amazing amount of wee and poo. He’s made me re-evaluate everything. Figure out what and who are the most important in my life.
Turns out, although I want to be exceptionally good at my job, I was putting too much of my energy into it. I was giving too much. Considering they would replace me in a heart beat if they wanted to.
The kids and Dan are far too important for me not to be in the moment while with them. Family time is family time, work time is work time. Boundaries need to be put in place to distinguish between the two, and being 100% focused on each at the appropriate time is essential. I also need to carve out some me time, that doesn’t consist of running errands, that I feel will take some more time to figure out.
Learning to balance work and life has been tricky. I haven’t mastered it yet, I’m still on maternity leave so it’ll be interesting to go back to work and see if I can manage it. I do think it’s the most important thing I need to focus on though.
I finally bit the bullet and repotted my lovely little Orchid. This time, I wasn’t just winging it. I thoroughly researched this particularly little guy and what he needs for our climate etc. I really love the colours and I really don’t want to lose him now. I’ve put a lot of effort into keeping him looking fabulous.
Ideally I would have waited until all the flowers had dropped off. However I had roots growing up and out of the pot, he was so cramped in the tiny little pot he was in. The leaves were a little floppy, suggesting he wasn’t a happy little camper and they were also a little paler than I would like.
Holy moly I’m glad I did. Once I’d pulled him out of the tiny little plastic pot I could see the problem. Some roots had rotted. He was also in only sphagnum moss with no bark. The small pot he was in did not have any aeration holes in the side.
I went to Bunnings and got a plastic pot and then a decorative outer pot. I cut ventilation and drainage in the cheap plastic clear pot so he has plenty of aeration and drainage.
After washing all the old sphagnum moss off, I cut the dead roots away with STERILE scissors (hence the isopropyl). Mixed sphagnum moss and the orchid potting mix that I had, gently tapping it in between all the roots so no major air pockets were left. I threw in a fertilising stick as well for good measure.
Then I watered him by running water from the tap all over the potting mix, trying not to get water between the leaves. And then let him drain. I need to collect rain water next time it rains, a special treat for the little fella.
Lastly I wiped the TOP of the leaves off. They had a bit of dust and water on them. So now he’s clean with dry leaves. This is important, you don’t want water sitting in the joints of the leaf/stem. You definitely do not want to wipe the der side of the leaves either.
I had to find a new home for him, although he was doing ok where he was. I hope his new home will have a less direct sun and afternoon heat. The pending new edition to the family needs that spot for his change table so it’s best for all.
Pregnancy is strange. It’s full of ups and downs, and lots of sideways. That sounds strange, so let me try to explain. I can feel my ups and downs, they are usually pretty clear. Sometimes however, I feel an emotion, or have a thought that I either can’t describe, or articulate that’s neither up nor down. I feel it, I’m neither sad or happy, sometimes it’s an interesting thought that leads me to think about certain things. It’s not a feeling of “Meh”, because I listen and care for the thought/feeling. It’s hard to explain, maybe there’s a name for it but I’m calling it sideways.
At the moment I’m feeling a bit sorry for myself physically. I’m consistently tired, borderline exhausted. My muscles ache and it’s really hard for me to do any amount of physical work with out being out of puff and feeling like I need a nap. I’ve had enough of being fat and not being able to see, let alone touch my toes. No amount of food, no matter how healthy or yummy keeps me satisfied for long. I want my body back, I want to be able sleep more than an hour and a half without being woken by the pain in my hips and having to roll over to ease that pain.
I know this sounds like I’m complaining over not much, and I am really. I’m just tired. My poor body needs a break. I feel well emotionally, mostly. I’m pretty happy with where we are at with preparations. I feel good with how much I’ve achieved while on maternity so far. I will never be 100% happy, as I always feel I could have done more. That’s me just being me.
I’m excited to meet the little one, also bricking it regarding the labour. I seem to be the only woman I know that has had complication free births…. All I’ve heard recently are horror stories and that fills me with dread. Birthing 101 – DO NOT LISTEN TO BIRTHING HORROR STORIES!!! Sometimes when I talk to some mums it feels that because I haven’t had a horror story birth, I’m not seen as a real woman. That’s a whole other topic though.
Do I want the baby out now – hell yes. I’d like to not have to pee every few hours. But little one can stay until he’s ready, I’m not a patient person, never has been a strength of mine. However little one will know when he’s ready, and he’ll make his appearance when it’s time. This pregnancy has been a blessing, at first it was in disguise. I’m relearning what I want, what kind of mum I want to be, what kind of career I want and how to create boundaries for the toxic people in my life for the first time ever.
I’ve been struggling with this one for a while. I’m not one for visiting graves, it’s not something I’m comfortable with. Breaking down and crying while strangers could see me – heaven forbid. I want to be able to sit and think about those people we’ve lost and miss so much, in private when I want to. Not necessarily on an anniversary. Not to mention, I am not able to visit all of the graves of loved ones as they are either in another state and some in another country.
A few weeks of each year are the anniversaries of several lost loved ones. Yep, one particular week has 3 significant dates and is always hard to get through. I’m not great with remembering dates, but some how my subconscious must know and those particular weeks because I’m a blubbering mess.
This year I was struggling a lot, with life and one of those weeks in particular I was having a really hard time. I actually started crying at work, for what I thought was for no reason at all. Until I realised what week it was.
One of my work colleagues, who I now consider to be a good friend noticed I was upset and asked me about it. Obviously I was highly emotional and nearly fell apart. Some of my grief was – how do I remember all these wonderful people? How do I show my respect, honour their memory if I can’t remember dates? She had a wonderful suggestion, knowing that I was slowly getting into gardening. To plant a tree for everyone I’ve lost. A tree, not just a plant, that will be there for many years to come, more than likely it will out live me.
I can’t plant one tree for everyone that we have lost, I’d need a few acres for that. So I’ve altered the idea slightly. I’ve designed our front garden to be a memorial to those we’ve lost. I’ll have a couple of out door seats and a cute little table to be able to sit surrounded by nature, and be able to remember all of those we’ve lost. I’ll cry and smile, and hopefully laugh at the memories we shared.
I’ve got a lot of work to do, I’ve only just started with one garden bed at the front. It will be a labour of love, I’ll take my time.
The first plant I planted for someone. A Melaleuca Thymifolia. It’s a beautiful native bush with beautiful purple flowers. This one reminds me of my Grandma. Her favourite flower was actually an Angel Face rose (her nickname for me), which I do plan to put in if I can find one. They are super rare so I have to be patient. Grandma loved Bribie Island, she loved walking along the beach. She loved her garden, she would always tell me to go and smell the roses. She loved to read and taught me how to knit. Now, I’m teaching my daughter how to knit. We would sit together and read, I used to take her grocery shopping when I was old enough to do so. I miss her dearly. We were close. She was the first significant loss in my life when she passed.
Just having a plan to create something like this, a memorial has given me a lot of peace. Even if it does take me years to complete it. The sobering fact is, it will never truly be complete. Unfortunately their will always be new names to add. The good thing is, a garden, trees, plants the ecosystem that will be created will long out live me and be a beautiful calming place for all.
This weeks blog post is late, I’ve been recovering from gastro. That was not fun being 33 weeks pregnant let me tell you! I have been thinking a lot about my post last week and how the general consensus is that this year has had a lot of downs. Trying to climb out of a slump emotionally and mentally has been really tough these last few months. I’ve been trying to figure out why most of us are feeling drained or afraid to start something. The uncertainty of current times and all the negative news within our society is surely playing a big role.
I feel in our society, we are told to make a difference and are expected to make a big impact. I think this is far too daunting. Imagine having that on your shoulders, that’s an unbelievable amount of weight. Too much for many, this then causes the “I can’t impact the world, so there’s no point in trying” attitude, which I absolutely understand. The mentality of “Go big or go home” is frustrating. It indicates that unless the actions and impact are great then don’t bother. I certainly wouldn’t want my children to feel that if they aren’t going to change the world their lives mean nothing.
This is not to say people can’t make a huge impact. Nor that they shouldn’t try. Anyone can make a big difference, if they find the right power within themselves. What I am saying is, changing one life is just as important as changing the world. If one thing you do changes one persons life for the better, then that should also be celebrated as a big win. Not on social media for the likes, congratulate yourself. Smile and remember that feeling. If you are the person who was helped, thank them. You don’t have to praise them to the world, but a simple heartfelt thank you goes a long way.
We should be passing this knowledge down to our kids. So they don’t feel like they are starting from scratch. They certainly have much more to contend with than we did as kids. The skills they need are slightly different. We need to teach them to care and be kind to themselves first. Than to do small things to help others. The small things make a huge difference. If they already have some of these skills under their belt before they are thrown out into the world, maybe it won’t be so daunting to reach a little bigger each time.
How we teach our kiddos this when we too are probably overwhelmed and buried under the recent stresses of the year I don’t know. I guess talking to them about how we are feeling, seeing if they’ll talk to us about their feelings would be a good step. I know we can’t unload everything on them, they are only little and they shouldn’t be dealing with our problems. But letting them know we can get a bit scared and anxious too, will let them know that they are not alone.
Changing the world isn’t a one person job, you need a team, to surround yourself with people you can trust, who have the same will and desire to do good. Together we can all make a difference, whether it be small or large it doesn’t matter. It’s the intention and emotion (love and gratitude) behind the actions that count
Continuing on from my last post and my comment about being triggered at some point. It didn’t take long before it happened. After talking to work colleagues it seems it’s still happening. I felt myself starting to become angry. Me standing up did nothing to help anyone. I had to stop myself getting upset. I took a deep breath in and released all that emotion out. Am I little annoyed nothing is going to change? Absolutely. If I could go back, would I choose not to say anything, knowing that it wouldn’t help? Absolutely not. I may have altered how I said enough, but I would still say it.
It’s not always rainbows and butterflies when healing, we have set backs, often. The only way to move forward is to acknowledge the trigger, figure out why it was so strong and then learn from it. I’ve decided I need to try and remove myself from the situation for a while. So enough writing about toxic work places, at least until I can keep the emotion out of it.
I was talking to one of my favourite people this week. Her thoughts – everyone is having a rubbish year. Everyone she knows seems to be struggling one way or another. Whether that’s in their relationship, financially, at work, emotionally, physically and every other aspect life has. I certainly agree, the signs of this year have been weird from and for all. People seem hesitant to start anything, reluctant to move forward in their life. I think we all need to be kinder to ourselves and loved ones, this year in particular as all this uncertainty is causing all of us so much worry or anxiety.
This is not to say people aren’t still kicking goals. Many friends and family members are kicking huge goals in their career or personal lives, but they seem to be doing this in spite of many more obstacles which seem to be in their way. These people are an inspiration to me, although I’m in a resting phase of my life, they show me that we as humans can be pretty impressive. Do things that are extraordinary, even while things seem against you. I know when I’m ready, I will be able to do the same. It’s in us all, we just need to know, believe or have faith in our abilities.
While I’m in my resting phase, I’m enjoying my maternity leave. For those of you that have been reading and watching, you would have seen me create a few bits and bobs and potter around in the garden. I’m trying very hard to unwind from a fast pace work environment. My mind wants to do a lot more than my body is able to at the moment. Slowly I think I’m getting there. I have an enormous To Do list, with a couple of little projects that may be coming to fruition soon so that will be a little bit exciting. I can’t help myself, I like being on the go. I like creating and dreaming up new ideas.
While pottering in the garden, I’ve been able allow my mind to be quiet. The downside is, a lot of the work I’ve got still to do in our garden is pretty labour intensive. I’ve worn myself out on a number of occasions. Feeling good while I’m working but hitting the wall once I come inside and sit down. I literally have to time myself so I don’t over do it. I wore myself out so much Monday, I was up at the hospital on Tuesday making sure Bub was ok. All is well in case you are wondering. Even trying to relax is difficult for me.
This week I’ve managed to do a mountain of washing, put a raspberry trellis up, plant some ground cover, weed some more of my little garden, been on 2 day trips to various garden centres and had coffee with a very special lady and bubba. I’ve also been reading, drawing and cleaning. I still find that I’m chastising myself because I haven’t done enough this week. Sometimes personal growth is one step forward and two steps back. I’ll get there in the end, I guess that’s all that matters.
Earlier this week I wrote an entire post about all the things that have happened to not just me but others in regards to bullying in the workplace. It was a couple of pages long, with instances that were completely unacceptable for anyone to have to go through. When I re-read the post I started to wonder, who am I trying to convince? I don’t need to justify myself to anyone. I don’t need to convince anyone. So I put the post down for a few days, I started reading, and have came to conclusion that the longer I dwell on this, the longer I’m going to suffer.
So I deleted the post and I’m writing a new one. The book I am currently reading has taught me a few things. Although I was bullied, I didn’t handle it in the best way. I have no idea how to handle a narcissist or a sociopath so I just reacted. After calling poor behaviour out, I stood my ground and didn’t budge. I outright stated what was unacceptable, but the person in question, being a narcissistic sociopath doesn’t believe that they could possibly have anything wrong with them. They won’t admit fault, they have zero empathy for the pain they cause others so for me to call them out for their poor behaviour was literally like talking to a brick wall.
What I should have done was to set better boundaries for behaviour I was willing to accept and what I wasn’t willing to accept. I didn’t realise I was being sucked in u til it was too late, it was impossible for me to set clean boundaries while in that setting. So, although I definitely wouldn’t change making the complaints, in hindsight I would go about it differently in the future.
I do believe if we see bullying or a victim of it we should speak up. However, maybe there is better way of going about it? After all, the bully is just as insecure as the rest of us and they too have probably been through something in their life. Although if you are dealing with a narcissist or a sociopath they probably won’t change, for that to happen they would need to admit they aren’t prefect. It’s not in their nature to do that. I do think setting boundaries for yourself at the start and being more aware of how to spot these types of people from the get go is the best way for you to protect yourself.
I’m a pretty trusting person, some would say clueless or naive. But I see this as a strength, not a weakness. It’s allowed me to form some beautiful relationships. The flip side is, sometimes I am easily sucked in, which is something I am currently working on. I’ve realised some of my own fears, weaknesses and flaws through this experience and I believe it’s something I needed to go through in order to grow. As painful and sometimes scary as the last 2 years have been, it’s shown me exactly who I want to be and what want my children to look up to.
There are times I feel myself getting angry again, and I’m sure there are many things that will trigger me over the few months, possibly years. At least now I’m aware of it. I can start to change my thought pattern. Try not to be angry, instead try to look for the lesson or signs that would have alerted me to impending doom.
Moving forward is hard for me, I’m certainly the type to hold a grudge and blame myself for what’s happened. I do need to learn not to stress and worry about things I ca not control. I am trying to only focus on the things I can control. How I react, how I let things make me feel.
Ps. This week all I’ve done is clean, draw and garden. And I enjoyed most of it!
On my first day of maternity leave, I decided it would be an excellent idea to write down my thoughts regarding said maternity leave and the toxic work culture I am currently on leave from. I have been the only one to stand up to said manager, make complaints (that were not handled well, or not at all in my opinion as the same narcissistic behaviour is still going on), the replacement for my job is on a permanent contract so I have no idea what job I’ll be coming back too – however I felt it necessary for at least my own benefit to talk or write about it.
Day one – I’ve been clothes shopping, washed the dishes, done some craft, I’ll be doing some grocery shopping with the kids once they come out of school. I’ve completed almost nothing, except made myself a cute little key ring using the one the kids bought me for Mother’s Day that broke.
Normally, I would have accomplished anywhere up to 100 tasks for managers at work by now. I’m feeling a little strange. I need to keep reminding myself that I’m allowed to take it easy now. I won’t be able to soon. Soon I’ll be a busy mum of 3.
I’ve had a rough 6 months, I’ve been struggling with some pretty serious anxiety caused by bullying at work. Bullying that even after 2 complaints never stopped. I’m having to start maternity leave early due to the issues that the anxiety has caused. Thankfully, my heart palpitations have subsided and I can eat again. This was only due to help from family, friends and a psychologist, who up until now, never thought I would need.
I’m going to use my maternity leave to sleep and rest before the baby arrives. I’m going to make a whole pile of craft that I’ll never sell, paint a number of pictures that will never see the light of day. Most importantly I will be using this time to heal, and learn how to build more resistance and to deal with narcissistic bullies. Unfortunately the world is full of them. The more I learn how to tell the signs, the more shocked I am at how common it is.
Day five – I’m now at the end of my first week of maternity leave. I do feel I haven’t done enough, when I look at the incredibly long list of things to get through – all created by me of course. However, when I stop, pause and actually look at what I have achieved this week, the knowledge I’ve gained (I’ve been reading) and the time spent with my mum and aunt (which I wouldn’t have been able to do had I still been at work) it’s all been worth it.
I found the following quote/meme on the internet, I think it sums up why I’ve been feeling like rubbish and no amount of sleep or extra iron will fix. (Quote is anonymous, artwork is all mine).
I had a moment yesterday, while hanging the washing. I was happy. For the first time in a very long time, I was happy that I’m about to have another baby. I’m happy that I have some time to myself, and that I don’t have to go back to a job (manager – I want to make it very clear, the job was absolutely not the issue, just the culture and one manager in particular) that has caused me so much anxiety and upset is wonderful. Starting to see that this is not the end of the world, or end of my career, but just a new challenge for us as a family. One that I intend to make good use out of.
At the end of the day, I have a wonderful support network around me which I am incredibly grateful for. Here’s to the next 12 months of learning and to healing and rejuvenating my soul.
P.S I’m currently reading – Toxic People Survival Guide by Chase Hill. It’s quite insightful.
Mental stress is a funny thing – it’s not like when you’ve just got a lot to do, or a tricky work task that needs a lot of concentration. Mental and emotional stress (of which I’ve been under a lot lately) is strange.
In the work environment; your put with different personalities, you learn to navigate tricky situations and try to lead a peaceful and harmonious work life. Well, lately I’ve been putting up with some really crap behaviour that I would certainly NOT put up with in my personal life.
Why do we do this? Why do we allow other people to blast through our boundaries and just suffer in silence?
I don’t know why, maybe it’s because as kids we are told to sit down, shit up and do what we are told. I say NO MORE. I am not going to be put through it any more. Now that’s not saying I’m going to be an asshole about it. I am however going to learn better ways to say “No” and “Back Off”. I am then going to be teaching my children to do the same.
I also plan to paint and draw more with my iPad and do a lot more gardening. I really need a holiday!